Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
