i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
