roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
