Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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