my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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