I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
