I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Houston, we have a blender
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
