Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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