Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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