alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
