Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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