No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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