i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
