I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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