I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Im part way to drunk.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
