yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
