I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
