i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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