So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
