If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
