I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just forgot I was standing up.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
