Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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