Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
