I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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