Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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