im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
