i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
