Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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