A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize