ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
