Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
