Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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