So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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