So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Less talking, more tequila
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
