He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize