went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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