Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
