Princesses don't give blow jobs
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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