She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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