The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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