I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize