I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
