The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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