Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
