mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
