last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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