Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
