My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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