It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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