we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Let's get the cat blown out
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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