im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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