Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
