she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
