Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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