I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
