Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
