I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize