chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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