drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
