You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
