dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
