I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
