It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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