you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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