You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
