I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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