I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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